Just Another Cigarette

I sit perched on the roof. Night time has fallen and a hazy cloud cover makes the moon’s outline harder to distinguish. The leaves have been stripped from all the trees and their silhouette is a reminder of the continual passage of time.  A lit cigarette rests lazily in my hand, a side thought of the current situation. I do manage to remind myself that to stay lit, the pull of tainted oxygen into my lungs is necessary for it to continue to breathe life. Inhale. Pause. Exhale. The deep throbbing fire that scorches my lungs reminds me that I am still alive and I am still trying to die. Inhale. Pause. Exhale. The fragrance of my despise fills my mouth, my lungs and cools leaving the entirety of my being is bathed in the poison of what my life has become. Inhale. Pause. Exhale. The smoke’s tendrils curl out of the corners of gaping grimace and through my nostrils giving me the likeness of a dragon. The cold bites through all the extra layers of clothing and a chill is shot straight through my bones. I cannot just sit as the ember turns to ash.

It has become a matter of rebuilding everything that you destroyed. I have men waiting at my side ready for the word to start wooing me. I told them I couldn’t just yet. You are my blackhole, you took everything I had and demanded more. A swirling beautiful mess, you left your true secrets hidden away. Most people knew well enough not to try to look into the darkness, but I am different. I stood at the gaping void and I roared. I heard you holler through the darkness to me, begging me to come safe you. You begged me to love you for all you were. I said I would. I said that I would hold strong in the face of adversity, though my armor was tattered from previous wars. In the time after I told you that I would not falter, you drove me mad. I sat longing and pleading you to show the same amount of affection that I did for you. You denied all request and later denied the existence of my requests. My needs were far less important than your wants.

I began to falter. I began to doubt that you cared. I began to believe you were using me. I began to doubt myself and the warrior inside. I sought out the simple creature comforts I had become familiar with. Then you were gone. There was nothing for me. I felt that I had no family, no real reason to belong. Nothing by my side to keep me strong in my weakening state. I had no other words of comfort besides, “It’ll be over soon.” I lost myself. I partook shamelessly in life while you were away. I became the sinner. I could only spend so long delving into your secret world you kept hidden. I found a source of your pain. Raw as your beating heart when I confronted you with it. My view of you was forever changed for the worse. You had no remorse for the secrets you kept locked away. You victimized yourself. You proceeded to make that the trend for your life. I lost control of myself after that. Nothing would ever be the same after finding your fountain of eternal pain. You got out of jail and I admitted cheating on you. I figured if you had something to hate me for, your self hatred would stop consuming you as it had since you got out. I offered myself as a scapegoat. You decided it should be a sacrificial murder.

We moved. You needed to get away from the influences that had got you into jail in the first place and you wanted me as far away from the people I cheated on you with. Then it all started with you shoving me onto the bed. It turned into you throwing me on the bed. I cheated some more. I hated what life had become. You still denied me and now you hated me. Soon it was onto the floor. You said it was due to the stress staying with your family was causing. We moved out. You put a hole in the new apartment and throw me into the counter. This is the first bruise you left on me. I told you to leave and a couple days later I am sucked back in again. There were more bruises a couple weeks later. I see your hands on my chest and arms. I need you to leave. Then the other night happened. I know I have to end it.

I am now healing. I want to be whole again. My heart skips a beat and I go into a frenzied panic when people raise their voice, throw things, or when they start to shake. I get concerned being around people when they drink. I have no trust. That is not who I am. I am more than that, because I am a warrior. I will summon that person out of the embers of my soul and let all the damage burn away into ash. I cannot sit and as my embers turn to ash.


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