Well now

We are that awkward couple that you just want to strangle. He seems flawless. I am Midas. My perfect touch seems to bring nothing but ruin. At least that’s how I see it. I get the undeserving luxury of falling asleep with still shots of our relationship dangling like a mental mobile. It calms me and excites me. I get scared and bold. This relationship seems like the perfection I have been seeking. I keep saying “seems”, because I am petrified to get my hopes up. Trembling in fear, I sound like a superstitious paranoid shut-in in my own mind. It shouts my insecurities at the top of its lungs. It proclaims my flaws as reasons I don’t deserve this happiness. It curses my coy behavior and reserved responses. I ignore everything. I allow my logic and thought process to go blank. Let the wind blow this ship as it will; I cannot control the wind, nor does it solely affect me. It does terrify me not to be in complete control, but still it is a relief to feel so free.

I woke up this morning to my legs feeling as if they were in scorching heat. In my fleece footie pajamas, I had found myself to be almost swaddled in the comforter. My legs were also intertwined with fleece bottoms my darling was wearing. Heat radiated from the two of us like kindling. The sun streaming in bathed only half of the room in light and in the dimmer portion, he looks over at me with a sleepy grin that conveys how much he appreciates me being there. Good morning’s are exchanged before I stumble almost drunkenly off to the bathroom. I return to him in a much more awake state and am not so secretly pleased to see his grin had widened. I love his smile, it warms me to the depths of my soul. It confirms all that is right and beautiful with the world. We snuggle and re-intertwine ourselves with the sheets and each other. We kiss. His warm lips are both tender and passionate and it builds with each connection.

A Letter to My Future Self

You’ve been lonely, too long

Let me in the wall

You’ve built around yourself

“Dust to Dust” by The Civil Wars

Dear Future Self,

Congratulations on finishing the first leg of a never ending race. In case someone hasn’t told you today; you are beautiful, smart, caring, and everything is going to turn out just fine. The fact that you are here today proves that you are a survivor. You made it through all the bullshit with your dad. You made it through the distress of changing schools. You made it through the emotional roller coaster from your mom. Most importantly, you made it despite yourself. You will always be your own worst enemy and your mean fighting side. If things didn’t work out with J-, I’m sorry. If you did, go treat yourself to some celebratory sex. Hey, you deserve a great night of fun for getting through.

Now you will be off to college and whether you got into JMU or NOVA, I’ll be proud of you. You have such a bright future ahead of you. Being independent will bring that side out further. I want you to spend this summer just enjoying life. Go kayak, work, explore, cruise, drive, and not care. Once you are back in school, I expect you to try to stay motivated. Be all I know you can be. Whatever happens, don’t let people get you down.

Into the Woods

I see her standing there in a state of wild fear and bewilderment, every muscled fiber of her body was tensed ready to flee. There was a familiar scent in the air, it was colored with the imagery of wooded plains and summer heat that was conjured in my mind. The glossy silver of her coat reflected the dappled sunlight streaming through the canopy. With an arrow notched, I was aiming and ready. This animal was merely existing outside of my range, I had chased it for many a month and yet I could not bring myself to stoop so low. I, her death, had finally come for her and alas I knew today was not the day. She embodied all that I had ever wanted and the memories of times long past. I could not end her. I slouch down between the roots of an old oak and agonize over my decision. A whistling caught my attention in time to see another’s arrow fall short of where she was standing and like an explosion, she was gone away. I stare off wistfully in the direction she had gone and realized that it was never meant to be. She was something to be admired from afar with pure intentions; the second your heart truly wavers, she will be gone. Let your heart stay pure and your wonders many.

“You Are My Everything.”

I have learned that I cannot be your everything. I cannot be anyone’s everything; because if I am your everything, what happens to me? Relationships have periods of time in which the amount of effort for each party differs. It isn’t always 50/50, it can be 80/20 or 100/0 at times. This doesn’t make it wrong. It becomes a problem when the percentages don’t fluctuate. You cannot spend your entire relationship manufacturing the other’s happiness or motivation. However if you get into the situation where you make your partner your world, you force the other party to either let you fall or hold you up constantly. I was stuck in a position where I had to manufacture another person’s world every day. If I took a day off; my partner wouldn’t eat healthy (unless his parents cooked it, but he is 30) and typically just wait. It’s like my presence was the only thing keeping his routine on track. I cannot do that again.