Codependancy

I am scared. I feel so alone. I know this is part of the reason that I am almost always in a relationship. I have felt alone for so long, I just need someone all the time. I am so needy. I grew up as an only child, which has its perks, but companionship is not one of them. I did everything by myself for the most part. My dad couldn’t just put me in the corner, because I would enjoy my time making up fanciful stories about anything and everything. The small amounts I did get, got smaller as time passed. My younger siblings were born when I was ten and time became even more scarce. My father got worse as time went on and he began he mission of emotional abuse and manipulation. I was segregated from my siblings since I was a tool in my mom’s master plan. I would spend hours in my room by myself and stare at the wall. After I moved and could have boyfriends and friends, I had my newest sexual assaulter with me. I had no close female friends; so instead, anyone who threw their attention at me was my new closest confident. It didn’t matter if they hurt me, the pain they inflicted was better than being as lonely as I had always been. So it went for three long years. I am now in a serious committed relationship of almost a year and I am so dependent upon him. I need his happiness, his presence is a candle in the darkness of my own mind. There are too many demons for me to handle on my own, but I can’t seem to fully open up to him. The walls surrounding my heart are too thick and the padlock around my darkness is too complex to pick. Only when I am alone do both melt before my eyes as water would in the desert. I need him, yet I do not trust him. He seems bored or tries to make inapt analogies comparing our pasts. There is nothing he could bring up that I would completely draw comparison to. I know that is his attempt to understand me, but it is just not enough. He almost seems bored with it sometimes. He seems bored with me. I told him that I have always taken the unpaved road in life and that will always be part of my personality. He replied with how it doesn’t have to be a part of my future and can cease effecting me. He told me I just need to be eighteen and to enjoy it. I don’t even know what that means. I haven’t enjoyed much of anything for awhile, especially relating to my age. All I could do is smile dumbly and nod, hoping the topic would change. I like to pretend everything is perfect. There is nothing that scares me more than turmoil and how I react to it. I become a demon. I get filled with hatred, I have no regard for anyone else’s emotions. I will emotionally destroy someone just to make a point. I hurt him so much as is. I can’t forget each time I push him to breaking. I figure it is easier to hold all my emotions on the inside or distract myself from them. The times he gets fed up with me scare me. It isn’t because he is in the slightest bit violent. He gets loud enough to command my attention and gives me a miniature tirade. It foreshadows how bad it could get if he was actually angry. Conflict makes me want to retreat and my own anger makes me want to hide. It reminds myself of my father. It makes me hate myself. This is similar to all of the things that the “voices” in my head say to me. I put voices in quotes. because they are not actual voices. They are all my negative thoughts personified¬†by my father’s voice, demonizing him further in my mind. It goes something like this: I single roll appears on my stomach when I bend over or more of my body jiggles than I remember is equal to “You’re fat”, “How disgusting”, and “this today, obesity the next”; I don’t do as well as I hope academically and it warrants comments like “stupid”, “failure”, and “worthless”; or I spend a couple days off calls for “lazy” and once again “worthless”. I beat myself up over everything. Almost all the time. It hurts a lot and leads to worse things. I feel I am undeserving of the oxygen in my lungs. I shouldn’t have a roof over my head. I used to believe I didn’t deserve to live. I try hard not to listen to that one, but in all seriousness I don’t deserve to live. I feel I am the scum of the earth. I don’t even know my crime that I have committed to warrant such a steep punishment. I hate myself. I hate myself a lot. Part of me is cured and bleached from all these thoughts. This side allows me to function in day to day life and appear to be a normal happy healthy young adult. I am showing my other side. I am showing the darkness that settles over my mind when I am alone for too long. It makes me sick. I revert back to depressed habits. I had close to five servings for dinner today. I wish I was free. I could never show him this. I’ll probably post it and hope he notices.

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