Passing Life By

My life seems to have been defined by life circumstances, rather than my own decisions. I’m left wondering why. I don’t live with regrets,since it is part of my morals; but things could be entirely different.
When I was fourteen, I received a delayed acceptance to Mary Baldwin’s PEG program, this would have allowed me to go to college before graduating from high school. It was a delayed acceptance due to the simple fact of life that money was tight. It always was tight due to my father’s alcoholism and later discovered drug addiction. All of that however is for another post some day. I ended up turning that offer down, because my family was splitting into pieces again and I needed to be part of the pickup crew. I didn’t mind too terribly much. The reason I had applied was to leave my father behind and escape the ever growing animosity he harbored in his heart against me. The divorce didn’t happen until the winter in which I was fifteen.
Of course the sanctuary that my stepmother and siblings provided when my father finally left would be short lived. All little birds must leave the nest. I felt even to this day that it was a premature departure from a place I would call home. My stepmother had no legal custody and I knew that if I had denied my mother her right to snatch me up, then the damage would be close to irreparable. I have had talks with her in the past year confirming that she would have put her needs above mine and wouldn’t have forgave me for staying with my stepmother. I traded in the slow pace of country life with the bustling existence of suburbia. I couldn’t call it living what I did these past two years. It was really learning how to get back on my feet.
My life could have been different. My life probably could have been better. All these factors seem out of my control, despite how desperately I wish to be the puppeteer. How deftly I would maneuver them, the situations and people spinning to an unheard waltz. Everything complimenting each other beautifully. Alas.
Now there has come a new complication in my life; it is neither in my parents’ control, nor is it firmly in my control. If I were to seize the helm, then I could face social isolation from my family. I could play the safe road and adhere to everyone else’s wishes, but it would have me give up my say in my future. My parents have made it exceedingly clear that they expect me to act as an adult financially, which is to be expected, yet they will not allow me to move out. I have yet to understand their rationale and am presently waiting for an explanation beyond “because I told you so”.
Maybe I’m the one who can’t see past my desire to be free or maybe it is as it was before. Either way, I’ll stick to the passive road and pray that it’ll get me to where I hope to be going.

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